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BECKLEY-CARDY COMPANY, Publishers , CHICAGO 



















BURGLAR-PROOF 

Comedy in Three Acts 


BY 

STELLA T. PAYSON 


Author of 

The Society Column. The Christmas Spirit, 
Mechanical Dolls 



BECKLEY-CARDY COMPANY 

CHICAGO 




TS fc-sf 
.Zl 1^566 



Copyright, 1925, by 
BECKLEY-CARDY COMPANY 


TMP96-0G6927 
5CI.0 73882 


Printed in the United States of America 

JAN-2’26 

w 5 | 


CHARACTERS 


Mr. William Arthurs. 


Mrs. Arthurs. 


Marion. 

.their daughter , about 15 years old 

Tommy. 

.. their so . n , about 10 

Annette Blair. 


Marjorie Watson. 


Edwin Brown. 


James Elliott. 


Officer Baxter. 


The Burglar 



Time of Playing : About forty-five minutes 


3 











STORY OF THE PLAY 


William Arthurs, a very self-sufficient person, is quite 
sure no burglar could possibly enter his house. He has all 
sorts of burglar alarms, but refuses to get a dog, although 
his small son begs for one. Some of the young people think 
it would be fun to enter his house, and so prove to him that 
it was not impossible, to the end that he may be a little 
less sure of his own cleverness, and that Tommy may get his 
dog. The girls do not take into their confidence the boys, 
who also think it would be nice to teach Mr. Arthurs a 
lesson. As both parties make their attempt the same night, 
confusion arises, especially as a masked burglar turns up at 
the same time. However it is all gradually cleared up with 
the assistance of Officer Baxter, a venal and stupid police¬ 
man. 


4 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


ACT I 


Scene: The Blair's Porch 

This should he arranged with the street in the foreground 
and a set of portable steps for the young people to sit on. 
Or the whole stage might he dressed up to represent an 
outdo or sitting-roo m. 

Discovered : Annette, Marjorie, Edwin and James 

Edwin : I hear that another house on the avenue was en¬ 
tered last night. 

Annette: I’m just terrified when I think that our house 
may be the next. I'd hate to lose Grann’s pearl necklace, 
the only thing of value that 1 possess. 

Marjorie: Well, I wouldn’t like them to get Dad’s coins— 
they could melt them up. 

Edwin : I wish they’d try our house, I’d show them! 

Annette : Them! Do you think there are more than one ? 

James: I expect it’s a gang, like as not; else how did they 
manage several houses in one night? 

Annette : Oh, did they ? 

James: Yes, the Clarke’s and the Arnold’s were both en¬ 
tered in one night. 

Enter on street Mr. Arthurs, Marion and Tommy 

Mr. Arthurs [very pompous] : No, Tommy, I shall not get 
you a dog. You need not speak of it again. I am quite 
able to protect my family and home from danger, although 


r, 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


I know perfectly well it is the dog you are thinking of 
and not any danger from a possible burglar. 

[Tommy grinds fists in eyes and sniffs, while Marion pats 
him and whispers to him, “Never mind, Tommy.”] 

Mr. Arthurs [saluting Annette and others] : Well, well, 
young people, how are you today ? And what is the sub¬ 
ject under discussion? The approaching wedding? 

Edwin : No indeed, Mr. Arthurs. We were talking just now 
about the burglars. 

Annette : We are so frightened. Mr. Arthurs. 

Mr. Arthurs [walking about, swinging cane, very pom¬ 
pous] : Now, now, no sense in worrying, my dear. There 
is absolutely no danger, if a person just exercises a little 
common sense. No burglar could get into my house. If 
everybody would take pattern by me, the burglars would 
have to go out of business. My house is absolutely burglar- 
proof—a simple arrangement of alarms, started if door 
or window is tampered with. 

[Marion gasps despairingly .] 

Marion [who has joined the girls on the steps] : Yes, and 
going off like mad at all sorts of wrong times! 

Tommy: Yes, the other night when 1 was sick, and you 
telephoned for the doctor, when he came in he set off the 
whole works, and scared mother into hysterics. If we 
had a dog— 

Marion: And if you forget one window, a burglar could 
get in at that one and not alarm anyone. And you know, 
Daddy, you often do forget something or other. 

Mr. Arthur: Now, now, children, no one wants to hear 
your opinions at all. I just want to say that people whose 
houses are entered by burglars are careless and deserve 
to lose their valuables. If any burglar can get into my 
house, he’s welcome to what he can find. Tt’s up to me to 
make my house safe, and I have done so. 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


7 


Marjorie: The Clarkes weren’t careless, but the dog was 
sick. They had sent him to the hospital that very day. 
If he’d been home— 

Tommy : There, Dad, what did I tell you ? 

Mr. Arthurs : Peace, boy, you see their dog did not save 
them. Bui I defy any burglar to enter my house! It is 
absolutely burglar-proof, ab-so-lute-ly. [Goes out.] 

Marion : Oh, dear, Dad’s so silly about those old burglar 
alarms—he hops around every night to windows and 
doors, and often he steps on a cord, or touches a switch, 
and away go the alarms, banging and ringing ! It’s awful! 

Tommy : And a dog would hear anything anywhere in the 
house and just bark, and he wouldn’t bark at us, only at 
strangers. I wish Uncle Jack was here. 

Marjorie: Who’s Uncle Jack? And what would he do? 

Marion: He’s Dad’s brother, and he listens to us, and 
often gets things for us that Dad won’t be bothered with. 
Tommy thinks if he were here, he would get him a dog, 
and ask Dad afterwards. And anyhow, Dad would think 
it was what he had always wanted, if Uncle Jack gave 
it to him. 

Edwin: Well, it’s too bad, Tommy. 

Annette: Oh, there goes Policeman Baxter. Let’s call 
him in. 

Edwin : O. K. Hi! Officer! Officer! 

Voice [outside] : Ay, ay. sir. 

Enter Policeman 

[He should be a very small man, with large helmet , large 
gloves, large baton, very conceited and absurd, a good 
comic actor. ] 

Baxter: Well, Mr. Edwin, what can I do for you? You 
have called in the power of the law. I am the Law! 
[Touches his breast and bows.] What can the law do 
for you ? 


8 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


Annette : Oh, Mr. Baxter, do you suppose you could save 
us, if the burglars should come here ? 

Baxter: Save you! Of course I can. No burglar can get 
past me. 

James: They’ve been getting past some one lately. 

Baxter : Not me, not me. Those fellow on duty the nights 
of the burglaries must have been asleep on the job. No, 
sir! This is my beat, and you may rest easy; you are 
perfectly safe. 

Marjorie : How nice it is to know that! 

Baxter : Yes, yes, rest easy, young ladies. I will see that 
you are perfectly safe. [Exit.] 

Edwin: Isn’t he the limit? I’ll bet he couldn’t stop a 
burglar. 

Marjorie : No. All you would have to do would be to wait 
until he went by with his loud clump—clump. You could 
hear him coming a block away. 

Edwin: Why do you say “you”? Is there anything per¬ 
sonal in this? 

Marjorie: No, indeed, Edwin. No one would suspect 
“Mamma’s angel boy” of anything so rude. 

Edwin: I wish you’d stop ragging me that way, Marjorie. 
A fellow isn’t necessarily a sissy because he keeps his 
clothes clean. 

James: Let him alone, Marj. You’ll inspire him to commit 
a burglary just to show you. 

Marjorie: Not him. [Edwin contrives to laugh, hut he is 
visibly offended.] 

Annette: Do behave yourselves, Ed and Marj. I’m so 
afraid of your having one grand spat before the wedding, 
so that Jim and I will have to go through with it un¬ 
supported. 

Marjorie: Never fear, I pledge myself and Edwin to see 
you through. 

Edwin [growls] : You needn’t be too sure. 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


9 


James: Stop quarreling, children! Come on, Ed. It’s time 
we were going. 

Edwin : All right. Come on with us, Tommy, and you may 
have a romp with my Buddy. He’s some pup. 

Tommy : Hurray! ’Bye, girls. 

Girls : Good-bye. 

Boys: Good-bye, girls. See you to-morrow. [Exeunt.] 

Marion : I do think Edwin is so good looking. What makes 
you tease him so, Marj ? He adores you. 

Marjorie : So he says, but he’s much too meek and mild to 
suit me. I like some one with a little more pep to him, 
like Jim. 

Annette : Stuff! I think you are fonder of him than you’d 
like him to know. He’d have all the necessary pep, if 
there was any occasion to use it. 

Marjorie: I don’t want to make you jealous, Annette, or 
I’d vamp Jim. Don’t you think Jim is better looking than 
Edwin, Marion? 

Marion : Oh no! Don’t be offended, Annette, but I do 
admire the tall, fair kind most. All except father. 

Both Girls : Oh, Marion, you should like your father! 

Marion : Oh, I love father, I suppose, but I must say I don’t 
like him! He’s so silly about his old burglar alarms, and 
he’s so mean to Tommy. 

Annette: I wish some one would burgle your house, 
Marion. 

Marion [vindictively] : I wish they would! I’d let them in, 
and show them what to take. 

Annette: You would! 

Marion: Yes, I would. 

Marjorie: Oh, girls, I wish we could. Wouldn’t it be fun? 

Both: What! 

Marjorie : Let us burgle Marion’s house. Marion could see 
that a window was left open for us, and we could take 


10 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


something and clear out. Then when he missed it, we 
could tell him how we worked it. 

Annette : There would be nothing gained that way. He’d 
think Marion had just given it to us. 

Marjorie : Not if we told him just how we managed. Marion 
need not tell us what to take. In fact, Marion need know 
nothing about it, only to see that the window is left open, 
and then go to bed. She need not even tell Tommy. We’ll 
take something he’d miss. Let’s do it! 

Annette: How could we? We’d set off all his alarms! 

Marion: No, you wouldn’t. I’d make it the library. I 
know how to disconnect the wires there. Tell me when 
you’ll come. 

Annette : It would be fun! I’d like to show him. Perhaps 
then he’d get Tommy a dog. 

Marion : Oh, let’s do it, girls! 

Marjorie : All right; now let us arrange it. 

Annette : What time do you all go to bed, Marion ? 

Marion : Oh, we go early. Dad sends Tommy off at nine 
o’clock and me at ten. He and mother are always in bed 
at eleven. 

Marjorie : Then by twelve you would all be asleep, wouldn’t 
you? 

Marion : Sure to be. 

Marjorie: Then we’ll come along about twelve. Be sure to 
leave the library window open for us, Marion. 

Marion : Sure, and I ’ll fix the alarm wires. 

Annette : I ’ll tell you what we ’ll take, Marion. That auto¬ 
graph edition of Watson’s new novel, if it’s in sight. He’s 
so fond of that he’ll miss it right away. 

Marion : But no burglar would take that. 

Annette: Well, that will convince him that we are not 
real burglars. 

Marion : Gee, what fun! I’m all shivery with nervousness. 
You’ll have to disguise yourselves. 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


11 


Marjorie: Yes, we’ll put on the boys’ long overcoats, caps 
over our hair, and handkerchiefs over our faces. 

Annette : So we will. 

Marion [hugging herself excitedly ] : And will you have a 
revolver and a flashlight ? 

Annette : I have a flashlight, but I haven’t any revolver. 

Marion [regretfully] : Oh, you ought to have a revolver. 

Marjorie : I’ll borrow Jack’s water pistol. It’s as big as a 
real one. It may save our lives. 

Annette : What about Officer Baxter ? 

Marjorie [imitating] : I am the law. I will protect you. 
Never mind him. We ’ll wait until he goes past and chase 
over before he comes back. 

Marion : And you ’ll surely come ? I ’ll fix the window, and 
the burglar connection. Dad thinks they are so wonder¬ 
ful, but this will show him. Perhaps then he’ll let poor 
Tommy have his dog. 

Annette : Don’t you worry, Marion, we ’ll be there, if you 
do your part. 

Marion: All right, girls. Good-bye. One o’clock. 

Girls : Good-bye, Marion. 


CURTAIN 


ACT II 

Street scene 

Discovered: Edwin, James and Tommy 

Edwin: Well, Tommy, it’s too bad you can’t have a dog. 
I ’ll bet on a dog to beat all the burglar alarms in the city. 

James: So would I. I’d like to show your father. 

Tommy: I wish some one would come in and take some¬ 
thing. I’d let them in myself. 

Edwin : You would ? 

Tommy : Of course I would. 

James : It would be rather a lark to play burglar, and tell 
him about it after you’d got away with it. 

Tommy: Oh, do! Do, Jim! Do, Edwin! I’d just leave a 
window unfastened for you, and you could get in and 
take—and take— 

Edwin : Well, what could we take ? 

Tommy : Why, in the right-hand drawer of the table he 
keeps the church money. He thinks he locks it up, but it 
isn’t locked up half the time. And he never remembers 
whether he locks it or not. 

James: Well, Tommy, about twelve o’clock tonight, two 
bold, bad burglars will come cre-e-e-p-ing, and cra-a- 
a-w-l-ing into your library window, take the church money 
and silently steal away. 

Edwin : Steal’s the word. What if we get caught ? 

J ames : Who ’d catch us ? 

Edwin : Officer Baxter. 

James [laughing] : Baxter! If he interferes, I’ll spank 
him. 

Tommy: Aw, boys, say you’ll come, I’ll see that the win¬ 
dow is all right. 


12 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


13 


Edwin [to James] : It would serve Arthurs right, and Mar¬ 
jorie might not be so sure about “mamma’s angel boy.” 

James: I’m game if you are. You mustn’t mind Marj’s 
teasing. It shows she has you on her mind. 

Edwin : 0. K. Now, Tommy, off you go. If you see, at 
midnight, two masked men advancing on the house— 

Tommy : I won’t see you. I ’ll be in bed, so as not to know 
anything about it when the row comes. I sha’n’t even 
tell Marion. 

James: Good boy! Off you go now, and don’t forget the 
window. 

Tommy: You bet I won’t. ’Bye. 

Edwin: It would serve Arthurs right, he is so cocksure 
about his old alarms. 

James : And a bit hard on the kid, I think. I tell you, 
we ’ll go over there and while you watch outside, I ’ll go in 
and grab off the coin. 

Edwin: 0. K., except this: I’ll go in and you’ll stand 
watch. I just want a chance to show Marjorie that I’m 
not afraid. 

James : How’ll she know ? 

Edwin : You’ll take a chance and tell her all about it, espe¬ 
cially about the dauntless young hero, ahem! 

James: And tomorrow morning we’ll take Arthurs into 
our little scheme, and restore the vanished gold. 

Edwin : What if he makes a row ? 

James: He won’t. He’s a good sport, nothing the matter 
but a swelled head. 

Edwin : All right, see you at twelve, midnight. 

James : Corner of the avenue. 


CURTAIN 


ACT III 


Scene : The Arthurs’ library. This may be any simple 
indoor scene, but several things are necessary: A win¬ 
dow or curtained recess to represent a window, through 
which the several burglars may enter. Three hiding 
places, where the three who must hide may do so. A 
large chair would, do best for Marjorie, as she has to 
bob up and down several times. A door through which 
the family will enter when alarmed. A table with 
drawers. 

If the stage has two doors, the second one, curtained, 
would make an excellent hiding place for two. 

It is night and the stage should be dark. 

Enter Marion 

Marion [going to window on tip-toe and trying it] : There, 
I told you so. This window is not fastened. [Exit. ] 
Tommy [creeps in, and tries the window] : There. I told 
you so, the window isn’t fastened. [Runs out.] 

Voices Outside : Is it all right ? Sure. Climb in, Marjorie. 

Enter from the window Marjorie and Annette 

[They are disguised in long coats, men’s caps pulled low, 
and handkerchiefs across their faces. Annette has a 
flashlight, which she forgets and keeps flashing around 
at the wrong time. Marjorie has a large water pistol.] 
Annette : O-o-o-h! I’m so scared. Let’s grab something 
quick and run. 

Marjorie: I’m going to write him a note thanking him for 
his hospitality. That will call his attention to the fact 
that he has been burgled. 


14 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


15 


Annette: Oh, don’t! That will take time. 

[Outside sound the clump, clump of Baxter's feet going 
past.] 

Marjorie: There’s Baxter. WeTl have to wait until he 
goes to the corner and comes back. 

Annette: Oh, no; let’s go now. 

Marjorie : Hold that light still, and put this book in your 
pocket. It’s the autograph of Watson’s. [Annette 
pockets book.] 

Annette: What’s that? I hear some one coming. 

[Both listen to the sound of some one at the window.] 
Marjorie: Some one is coming. Hide! [Pushes Annette 
behind the screen, dodges behind the chair. ] 

Enter Edwin 

[He comes in at the window, dressed in a long coat , his 
cap pulled down, a handkerchief over his mouth, a 
flashlight in his hand. Marjorie glares out at him, 
thinking him a real burglar, as he moves his flashlight 
slowly around the room. She dodges down as it ap¬ 
proaches her.] 

Edwin: Well, that was easy enough. Now for the table 
drawer. [Creeps over to table , and sees Marjorie's note.] 
Hullo, some one’s been writing a note—only a commence¬ 
ment. I ’ll write one to Arthurs myself, thanking him for 
his hospitality and the money. Oh, I’d better get it. 
[Opens drawer and takes out a roll of bills, which he puts 
into his pocket. Marjorie watches in horror.] My, but 
the old chap’s careless. [Hears sound at window behind 
curtain.] 

Enter Burglar 

[He is masked and carries a flashlight, which he turns 
around the room.] 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


10 


The Burglar: Well, here’s a game. The chap that brags 
that no one can burgle his house, and here’s a window 
open, and I come right in. It was some job passing that 
young chap on the street. If he hadn’t run across the 
street when the cop passed, I’d think he was on the job 
here. But I guess I have it all to myself. [Opens drawer.] 
Nothing there, I thought that was where he kept the 
church money. 1 guess I’d better try the dining-room. 
[Goes toward door.] 

[Annette, behind screen , sneezes.] ,i 
[The Burglar, whose disguise is just the same as the 
others , jumps for the screen , and discovers Annette 
crouching down , terrified. Burglar seizes her by the 
collar and drags her out.] 

Burglar: Who are you? What are you doing here? 

Annette: Oh, please— [faints]. 

[Marjorie has stood up and leveled her water pistol , but 
as Annette faints she dodges back, but keeps peeking 
out.] 

Burglar : Well, of all things, a girl! I wonder what it all 
means. She’s safe anyway. [Sends flashlight all around 
the room. Marjorie dodges out of sight. He sees the 
shadow of Edwin on the curtain.] Hands up, there, be¬ 
hind the curtain and step out! 

[Edwin steps out with hands raised. The handkerchief 
falls off his face.] 

Burglar: Well, young fellow, what are you up to? This 
house seems to be a popular resort tonight. Here’s a 
girl fainting all over the place, and here’re you and 
here’s me. Turn around. 

Edwin: What for? You have no gun. I’m going to take 
my hands down and give you a jolly good punching. 
What do you mean by frightening a girl ? 

Burglar [grimly] : Put them up. My gun is in my pocket 
and my hand is on it. 


BURGLAli-PROOF 


17 


Edwin: I don’t believe you, but I won’t take a chance yet. 
I don’t want a row any more than you do. [ Turns around 
and Burglar takes his hands from his pockets and begins 
to tie Edwin's hands.] 

Marjorie [has watched breathlessly. She now stands up 
and levels her water pistol] : Hands up! 

[Burglar wheels to face her, with hands up. Edwin 
stands staring.] 

Burglar : What on earth ! 

Marjorie: Keep them up. I’ve got you covered. Annette, 
are you really fainting, or only faking? 

Annette: Only faking. Is the coast clear? 

Burglar : What am I seeing ? Are there three of you here ? 

Marjorie : Four, counting you. Annette, get up and go 
to the window and call Officer Baxter. I hear his foot¬ 
fall’s music. First, untie Edwin’s hands, though. Ed¬ 
win, I take it all back. You’re a great, big, lovely hero! 

Edwin : Marj ! Oh, I say, Marj ! I’m going to knock this 
fellow’s head off. 

Marjorie: No, you’re not. He’s my prisoner, and I’m 
going to hand him over to the law, personified by our 
friend, Baxter. 

Edwin : Good girl. It ’ll be one on Baxter. 

Annette [goes to the window, and calls softly] : Officer! 
Officer! 

Voice [outside] : Yes, Miss. 

Annette : We have a burglar in here. Come in and arrest 
him. 

Voice : Sure, Miss. How ’ll I get in ? 

Annette : Come in through the window. 

Voice : Oh, no, Miss, that would be beneath the dignity of 
the law. I will go around to the front door, 
f Sound of retreating footsteps. Then approaching loud 
and heavy steps. All at once a wild outburst of bells 
and alarms, as Baxter sets off alarms, trying to enter.] 


18 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


[Burglar makes a dash for window, but Edwin steps be¬ 
tween him and liberty. After a long look at the young 
man, The Burglar goes back to his former position. 
This time Marjorie says, i( Tie his hands, Edwin,” 
which Edwin does, using his handkerchief, The Bur¬ 
glar making no resistance. Meanwhile, with shrieks 
and cries of amazement, the whole Arthurs family, 
headed by Baxter, come rushing in. The Arthurs’ 
are half dressed or in dressing gowns and caps.] 

Mr. Arthurs [greatly excited] : What’s this! What’s the 
matter ? 

Marion : Oh, what is it ? A burglar ? 

Tommy: O-o-h! A burglar! A burglar! 

Baxter: Now, now, my good people, make way for the 
law. I am the law, and I will protect you. 

Mr. Arthurs : Why, Marjorie, Edwin, Annette, what are 
you doing here, in the middle of the night ? 

Edwin : Mr. Arthurs, your house has been entered, and we 
have the burglar here. 

Burglar: Your house is full of burglars. I saw six or 
seven. 

Marjorie : What a story. We called Officer Baxter in from 
the street, and he set off all your silly alarms, when he 
came in at the door. 

Baxter : Yes, sir, here I am. The law protects your prop¬ 
erty, and I am the law. Now, I will arrest this burglar. 
[At this time Edwin and Marjorie are holding hands, 
and seeing nothing but each other. Tommy and 
Marion are absorbed in whispering with Annette. 
Mrs. Arthurs chooses this moment to faint in her hus¬ 
band’s arms, so that for the moment no one pays any 
attention to Baxter and the Burglar. The latter has 
worked his hands free, and now, with a quick movement, 
he jams Baxter’s helmet over the little chap’s eyes, 
makes a dash for the window and escapes. 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


10 

Baxter dashes after him . Immediately there is a great 
outcry from all and they all rush to the window, getting 
in each other’s way. Outside there is a noise of running 
feet, and of a struggle, and the voices of James and 
Baxter are heard.] 

Baxter : Let me go, James. Are you crazy ? It’s a burglar, 
I tell you. 

James: Nothing of the sort, Baxter. It’s only a joke, I 
tell you. Come off, you little goat. [ More struggling , 
and James comes in at the window , dragging Baxter, 
sputtering ivith rage.] 

James : Here, folks, what’s up ? I went off for a walk, 
things were so slow, and here I come back, and find Baxter 
in pursuit of Edwin! 

Edwin: I happen to be here, Jim. That was a real bur¬ 
glar who happened in on us. But never mind, old boy, 
you took care that he got safely away. 

James : For the love of Mike, have you run into the real 
thing ? Did he make away with much ? 

Edwin : Not a thing! He hadn’t time. We scared him to 
death, I believe. 

Mr. Arthurs [hastily putting Mrs. Arthurs into a chair, 
ivhere she immediately recovers] : Mercy on us, my church 
money! I forgot to lock it up last night. [Goes to the 
drawer and finds the money gone.] It’s gone. Run after 
him, some one, bring him back. My money, my money! 

Edwin [draws the money from his pocket] : Here’s your 
money, Mr. Arthurs, though you shouldn’t expect to find 
it safe, when you are so careless about it. 

Mr. Arthurs: Careless! I careless? [ITe keeps on look¬ 
ing around and misses the hook.] Where’s my new book, 
the Watson autograph copy? 

Annette: Here it is, Mr. Arthurs. I saved it for you. 


20 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


Mr. Arthurs: Th-a-n-ks, Annette. Seems to me there’s 
something a little suspicious about this. What are all you 
people doing here, at this time of night ? I’d like to know. 

Baxter: Just what I’d like to know. Here were all you 
people in here with that burglar feller, and Jim outside 
to see that he gets clear away— 

James : Now, Mr. Baxter— 

Baxter: You were out there just for that purpose, for, 
you said, when I was after him, “Hold on, Baxter, it’s 
all right, it’s only Ed,” and in we came and here’s Edwin 
fine and dandy. That needs some explaining. 

[While they are talking The Burglar enters by the win¬ 
dow, ayid listens. Just here he gives a loud cough. All 
start and turn, and Mrs. Arthurs promptly faints 
again, but no one has time to attend to her, so she braces 
up.] 

Baxter : Ha! the burglar! Now, sir, I arrest you in the 
name of the law. I am the law— 

Burglar: Hush, hush, little man! [Takes handkerchief 
off face and turns down collar, looking around with a 
cheerful smile.] 

Tommy and Marion : Uncle Jack! [Throw themselves into 
his arms.] 

Mr. and Mrs. Arthurs [together] : Jack, how on earth did 
you get here ? 

Uncle Jack : Why, I had a chance to get off for a few days 
and I thought I’d come up. The train was late, so I walked 
down. I was afraid to go to the door for fear of starting 
your alarms and I came around to see if you had left any 
windows open, as I believe you sometimes do. I saw this 
young man [pointing to James] crossing the street, and 
this window open, so I put on the usual disguise and 
slipped in to find out what was going on. 

Mr. Arthurs : And what did you find ? 

Uncle Jack : The house apparently full of burglars, who 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


21 


turn out to be these young people, who held me up, as the 
real article. What on earth’s up? 

Mr. Arthurs: Now, then, Marjorie, you seem to be the 
coolest one of them all, suppose you explain. 

Marjorie : Oh, no, let Edwin explain, he is the coolest one 
of all. 

James [to Annette] : Well, what do you know about that ? 

Annette: Yes, I know she’s in deep,* and as far gone as 
any of us. 

James [growls] : About time, too. 

Edwin : Well, you see, we were talking about burglars to¬ 
day, and Mr. Arthurs said his house was absolutely bur¬ 
glar-proof. So Jim and I thought we’d like to show him. 
Especially as a certain young lady thought I hadn’t pep 
enough for anything of the sort. The children had said 
that with all your care you often left a window un¬ 
fastened, thus spoiling the effect of your burglar alarms. 
[Marion and Tommy are making frantic signals to him 
not to give them away.] Well, we came around and be¬ 
hold, the window here was open. It seems the girls had 
conceived the same idea. They were here before us and 
had found the window unfastened. 

[Marion and Tommy manifest great relief as he goes on.] 

Edwin: The girls must have heard me climbing in, and 
hid. [Girls nod.] So I had a clear field. I looked for 
something you would be sure to miss, and found the church 
money. 

Mr. Arthurs: Do you mean to tell me that I forgot to 
fasten this window ? But I know I did. I remember go¬ 
ing right upstairs with my book. 

Uncle Jack [laughing] : Well, I guess, Will, you would 
better keep a dog to depend on, when you forget your 
burglar alarms. 

Tommy : That’s what I think. 

Mr. Arthurs: Well, I believe I’ll have to get one, a good, 


22 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


cross one, who will bite all burglars, friendly or otherwise. 
Now, what shall I say to all you youngsters ? 

Edwin: Don’t say anything. Be a good sport, and con¬ 
gratulate me that I have succeeded in convincing this girl 
of mine ['putting his arm around Marjorie] that I am not 
quite such an “angel child” as she thought. 

Mr. Arthurs: Well, under the circumstances, Edwin, I 
can’t say that I blame you. I know that no one in your 
condition is really responsible. As for the girls, I ’ll just 
have to forgive them anyway. What do you say, my 
dear? 

[To Mrs. Arthurs, who up to this time, has not said a 
word, and now says her only one.] 

Mrs. Arthurs : Oh, yes. I’m sure you know best. 

Mr. Arthurs: So you see the wife agrees with me. We 
will forgive all the burglars, and buy a dog to-morrow. 

Tommy : Hurray! Hurray! [He and Marion dance wild¬ 
ly around their father.] 

Officer Baxter : That is all very well, but what of the 
law? The law was called in to arrest a burglar, and the 
burglar, four of him, is here, and I am the law, and not 
to be defied! T have been pushed and thumped and 
banged and stopped in the prosecution of a chase. What 
satisfaction do I get? 

[All look at him ruefully , realizing that he can make it 
very unpleasant, if he likes.] 

Uncle Jack [takes the officer by the arm and draws him to 
one side | : Now, officer, you don’t want to make any 
trouble for these people, who have been having a little 
fun with Arthurs, do you ? 

Baxter . No, sir; no, sir; but the law must be upheld, and 
I am the law ! 

Uncle Jack: Yes, we all know; but now, suppose we up¬ 
hold the law to the extent of a ten spot [slipping a bill 
into Baxter’s hand], do you think your feelings would 


BURGLAR-PROOF 


23 


be sufficiently soothed to allow these young folks to have 
their joke out, with no trouble from the law, which you 
so ably represent ? 

Baxter : Well, sir, since you put it that way, and we all 
know young folks like their little jokes— 

Uncle Jack: That’s it, that’s it. And now that it’s all 
settled, I think this party would better disperse for the 
night, with the assurance that the library window is tight¬ 
ly closed and that tomorrow Tommy gets a dog. 

Tommy [as curtain falls] ; I get a dog! I get a dog! 












































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